Wednesday, July 16, 2008

How to Break-Up

The following conversation may vary with the unscripted responses of the other individual -- the most likely comments were chosen as representative.

“Umm, Honey, I believe the evidence examined in the unbiased light of real science supports the Intelligent Design and Creation.”
“What!?! How could you be so ignorant? Don’t you know that evolution has been proven?”
“Define proven.”
“Well, Everyone knows it’s true.”
Try not to be smug when you say: “I don’t.”
At this point they will look at you as if you are the stupidest person on the planet. Tell your soon to be in-significant other “Evolution is an unproven Theory. Even Darwin didn’t believe it in the end.”
The rebuttal to that point will most likely be an inarticulate scream of frustration and a forceble attempt to remove hair from their own head. A movement resembling a figure skating sit-spin sometimes accompanies this.
Now show some mercy, soften your voice and speak calmly but pleasantly. “I am willing to postulate that both Intelligent Design and Evolution are un-testable hypotheses and therefore theoretical, with no proof beyond sheer faith. I even go so far as to grant your right to believe, however misguided, that you are the product of millions of years of accidental mishaps in the life of an amoebic protein chain.”
“So you do think evolution is true, then.” Confusion and relief will struggle for dominance in this response.
“No.” not too breezily, now. Be kind. You and I know what you’re going to say next but they do not see it coming. “But since I can neither prove nor disprove either theory to your satisfaction, I have decided to let you be the product of evolution if you want and I will continue to be the purposely created child of a Loving God.”
“Well, I… What?”
“It’s a compromise.”
“So I’ve evolved and you’ve been designed.” The shaking head and patronizing smirk indicate amusement and a degree of disgust.
“Yes, I will accept the idea that you are the end product, the eventual genetic offspring of random mutant monkey parentage, while you will admit I am the deliberate, intentional child of a purposeful Creator.” Pause for a moment, let it sink in. “Unfortunately that means I can’t date you anymore.”
“Huh?” [editor's note: there is a 47% variable indicating that this response might actually be "Wha...?" as that is not an actual word we have kept the "Huh?"]
You continue, “Our compromise requires that I no longer believe that we are the same species, I’m sorry. I'm just not willing to date inter-specially.”
They will tell all their friends that they broke up with you because you are nuts.

Disclaimer: the above is pure imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons or events is coincidental and mostly unintentional. For entertainment purposes only, ABSOLUTELY NOT MEANT AS RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.

1 comment:

My dear, few, readers you inspire me to keep writing. Thank you.

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